This post is written in English because I feel more comfortable to talk about feelings in English than Chinese.
I never thought I would post a blog about this topic. But people change : )
There is a TV show called Bojack Horseman, people will find they feel related to the characters. I feel related to Bojack most, because I’ve hurt people when I was an teenager and early 20s. I would apologize and thought I have already apologized, people should forgive me, but it’s their rights to not forgive. I blame myself because of this pattern for many years.
I also know this behavior pattern is learned from my father, I spend many years to break this cycle. I said to myself, I should never hurt people’s feelings on purpose and never say hurtful words to people. When I was young, I feel pround of being mean, quote myself “Being mean is a kind of wit.” I have confidence that I’m not like my father for at least 3-4 yrs, and I’m not like my mother, either. I’m totally different from them. Living with parents and younger brothers for 2 years before moving in Ireland, although upset sometimes, I improved the communication and relationship among the family members and hardly lost my temper.
I made lots of efforts to control my emotions. If recall back, maybe 4-5 years ago, I objectize myself. I don’t think myself is important, just a small part of objective world. I’m obessed into society, culture, history, architecture, everything outside of me and has nothing related to myself or people. The rare time I feel connected is when I was in the nature, as a small part of universe. I lived thousands of kilometers far away from family and friends and didn’t looking for connections. I just visited friends in Shanghai or other cities once or twice every year, family too.
Time flies. To be honest, I don’t know how this happens. But once when I was in Shanghai in 2020, I’m talking with DongLai, said I’m bothered that every time I visit Shanghai, I have lots of friends to meet, I made the busy schedule, every friend have one meal time, and I feel exhausted. One 10-year friend asked me “Why you can’t spend more time with me?” I don’t know the answer when she asked but then realized because I don’t want to admit some peopel are more special for me even if they are. Donglai invited me to stay over at her house and I said okay, then cancelled the plan tomorrow with someone not so close to me. That’s an important moment/decision for me, I know it sounds weird.😂
The friendship is so difficult, not to mention romantic relationship. I didn’t have any dates during 2014 - 2020. After arriving in Ireland, I start to try. It’s an interesting experience when you didn’t have any physical or mental intimacy with anyone for a long time. After several dates, I found I finishes with people after 1-2 months because of small reasons even I feel well in the beginning. I asked one friend, how he decides to continue to date with someone or not. He said “Just follow your emotions.” I said “The problem is I don’t have emotions…” Another reason why I finish early maybe is I’m afraid people will leave me sooner or later, so I leave them first.
I can’t figure out how to make my emotions back, but I decide to break the pattern of finishing early. After moving in Dublin last autumn, I met S. He is a really nice guy. He treats me really well and I thought I also did well, I will plan the dates, cook dinner, give gifts. When he said “I feel you’re not interested in me, you talked about our common interests but don’t care how’s my day”, I was surprised because things are smooth from my side. (My therapist said because i didn’t learn to care “how’s your day” during my life). Donglai and OY agrees it must be my fault, my emotional involement is obviously not enough. In the same time, I read the attachment theory and conclude I’m a avodiant type.
Then I met D. This time, I really try to invole emotionally and behave like a secure attachment style. But the situation is more complicated. First, he’s great and nice to me, but he doesn’t want closeness at this period. He’s working on setting boundaries with people. And I’m working on being close to people, basically, we are on the opposite direction. Second, because I really like him and involve emotionally, I start to feel unsecure and anxious. I read several books, but it doesn’t help much. In the end, he decides to finish and I also know it’s the right decision.
The good side of this experience is 1. I start to involve emotionally and my emotion is back. 2. I still could have strong feelings for people after 8 yrs lack of passion. 3. I learned a lot from him about being honest of my feelings.
The reflection is 1. I will feel unsecure if I’m close to person, and obviously my self-regulation is not good as I assume. 2. Even though you like someone, it’s not good relationship if it starts to have negative influence. Pay attention to which kind of yourself he brings out.
It’s the time I should ask for help, which is also my last year’s wish. So I start to visit therapist first time in my life.
On the first thereapy, in the beginning, she (N) “the first session normally we will just talk about your life story and what you want from the therapy”
In the end, I saw her take notes full of 2 pages of A4 paper, she “this time we just talked about your childhood history, maybe we need another 2 or 3 sessions to finish this process”
I sighed “yes… i know my life story is complicated” …
N asked me “what are you looking for from therapy?” I hope 1. I could be more secure style in the close relationship 2. I could learn better to like/love people in the way they feel more comfortable. 3. I want to clear about what i’m looking for.
As OY said, it’s an self-exploration journey, let’s see.
The first three parts are written in June, and it’s December now. haha
I have therapy since May to November for 16 times. At first 9 sessions, every time I’ve cried for around 10 pieces of tissues. It’s not about how I finished with D but what happens between my parents in my teenager time. To be honest, i’m surprised about my reactions. I’ve thought I’ve already gotten over of it and become strong enough, it’s just the past. The fact is I surpress the feelings for many years and I was so broken before.
Lots of time, when therapist asked me “How’s your feeling about that?” I answered “I don’t know, I forgot the feelings, just remember the moment.” So during the therapy, sometimes she will let me stop talking and feel the emotions. “Don’t keep distracting yourself from the feeling.” and she suggested me to search and learn some feelings words XD
In November, I decided to end therapy because I feel confident about my ability to face my emotions and how to behave to build connection with people and will stop dealing with this actively for a while.
I recall back how lonely I was before. Although I have lots of friends but I’ve never been close and fully open to them. This year it’s the first time in my life that there is a close friend circle for me. My previous friendship pattern is hanging out once or twice every year and live far away from all of them.
From my diary records, the whole year of 2018, I’ve only have conversations with friends and strangers for 38 times. This year is 172 times until today 😅 I didn’t count how many times i’ve hang out with my close friends circle in Dublin including Diane, Damon and Hanyang, but almost once a week at least and I remembered I’ve hanged out with Daine 3 times a week before she moved to Paris.
Once in the dinner party at my house, I feel so comfortable and secure because i’m surrounded by friends I’m so familar and trust and know they also feel the same about me. We hang out not because I want some new stories or inspirations from them. It’s the most close feeling that I could imagine the feelings with family expect my brothers 😊.
Back to guys, I met S (another S wit the same name, maybe i have preference about name lmao) in July. When we finished in September, I clearly know it’s not my fault and I do nothing wrong. Actually, with more knowledge about emotions and attachment theory, I feel more understanding about his behaviors, fear and disability.
Then, I met M in an unexpected situation in the end of this year. Without opportunity to build connections more but I still feel grateful for this experience. Glad to know there are guys I feel attracted living and experiencing happily in the world. Life is a journey for my own and it’s nice to meet someone on the road and have a good time together, long or short.
In conlcusion, this year I’ve achieved so much improvements about my emotions and relationship security. Being sensitive means I will be easily get hurt. But it also gives more experience and perspectives about world. Have feelings doesn’t mean I’m weak. I could suppress my negative feelings for short-term, but they will still be there and come back some time.
Right now, I’m clear about what i’m looking for. After 2 yr’s dating experience, I realized I don’t like easily compatibale people, which means they could date with people if she reaches some standards such as appearance, job, some of nomral personality. Different people has different uniqueness. For the same unique point, some people like it, some people feel it’s werid. For me, most of people are similar and some uniqueness are not my taste. Also, I could only fall in love if someone likes me because of my uniqueness and I see him too. I’m looking for the one I see and like the werid uniquesness and don’t care about the definition.
Besides, I accept myself more and open to other people, can’t imagine I could express this kind of thing on the Internet before. More brave to express my needs and prepare to get hurt and loved.
People change and i’m glad I could change. Looking forward to what will happen in the future. : )